A Shattered Heart………..
This is a hard story to tell. One that effects some but not many. A Mother. What does that mean? One who gives birth, brings a child into the world. A person who is loving and kind. Teaches and supports. Loves a child unconditionally. That one may be a little difficult. Mine had been cold. Almost comparable to a robot. Not a huger or one who gave a motherly kiss. “I’m so proud of you” was not part of her vocabulary. I never heard those words. As a matter of fact if you had asked my Mother what I did in my life she couldn’t tell you. It didn’t matter what I accomplished or achieved. The hurtful part of my life was the attention given to my sister. My Mother adored her. Younger and the baby, that’s where her energy was directed. She could do no wrong. Always the cute one. And don’t think for one minute that my sister didn’t take advantage of that. Growing up was emotionally hard. No matter what, the light was always shining on the baby. To my Mother it was like a rainbow and the pot of gold was my sister. I can say one thing, my Dad was a saint. He was the loving one. Always encouraged me to do whatever I wanted. Because, as he used to say, I could! He was always passing out hugs and kisses. Could walk passed you without a pinch on the cheek or a loving tap. When he died the love, the caring, gentleness died with him. My Mother became the “head of the family”. Cold, distant towards me. Years passed and her emotions were unchanged. Her heart was lifeless. Her connection to me was almost wordless. Never missing a birthday, Mother’s day, Christmas, Easter every little holiday only brought a 2 minute phone call. Only saying she liked it and thank you. I always waited for the words “I miss you. Come over”. But words I never heard. I asked on several occasions to let me come over and see her. Spend time with her. But those were wasted words. Only heard by me. And then a few years later, “baby” moved in with her. Her presence stopped what little connection there was. Phone calls became 3 way conversation on speaker. It was difficult to ask how she was. If everything was alright. Those questions were always answered by baby. Phone calls were reduced to text messages. Didn’t speak to my Mother. A new connection with a cell phone and my sister. Hard living a distant life with a Mother that one day you find out really never did care about you. Several months ago my Mother died. It broke my heart. I missed her. I didn’t get that last hug or I love you. Regardless of what her feelings were toward me she was still my Mother. Even though that closeness never came she was still my Mother. A few weeks after her death I found out her true feeling towards me. Her estate, which years back was supposed to be divided between her 3 grandchildren and her 2 daughters had completely changed. My sons and myself were completely excluded. Baby got the bundle. The house, car, bank accounts and a very “healthy” lifestyle. Everything was left to my sister and her daughter. As in some families, there is the child who had the hard life, who had to work for everything and the one who didn’t. I think what hurts so deeply is all the gifts, cards, flowers, plants, baked good, which because of a bad knee left me almost immovable for a couple of days, were never sent back but accept knowing the effect her will would have on my family. Gifts enjoyed by both. Why not send gifts back? Why not call and simply say stop? It’s very hard to realize one day that your Mother really never cared. My sons, who adored their grandmother. How hurtful can one be? Not only did I lose a Mother but because of her actions I lost a sister. A relationship I hoped would grow into “sisters”. To this day there has been no effort to reach out to me. Sad tears every day. That part of my life, family, died with my Mother. People should never forget to show love. Family is a gift. A treasure of memories to be shared and celebrated for years to come. Children growing up with laughter, hugs and sweet kisses. Showing them there is a pot of happy love at the end of the rainbow. I want to know, that some day when my last journey is ahead of me, that I did the very best I could, be the very best I could. Put a little happiness in a dark day and never, ever be the cause of……….a shattered heart.
Until the next time…..may your days be bright with laughter and filled with an abundance of love.